Not enough.

I just want to let you know that I love you. But I've been feeling so many confused emotions this whole time since we broke up. You say you care and love me. But you yell and scream at me. You call me names, even if you don't mean it directly at me. I know that you just say it..... But it still hurts. 

Then the next minute, you start hugging me and kissing me, suggesting that you wanna fuck me. You play with me. You play with my emotions. I ask and try to play around with you. But you ignore me. You're just in your own small world with that phone of yours. Making me feel that you already found someone else. Even though we are not together anymore. I'm still here. But it hurts. I'm never enough for you. I don't do anything right for you. I was always a disappointment to you. When you say things, that this is your house, your room. And that you pay the rent and that I have to be out. My heart hardens into stone trying to forget the memories that we made. 

I hate you. I want to kill myself. I wish something would hit me and I'll die instantly. I know that you are hurting too. I see it. I see the cuts. I see you. It pains me. The guilt. The depression we are going through. It hurts me too. I don't know how you actually feel. But I see it in you. 

When you switch up with your feelings, and try to make me laugh, and it does work. You always give me that wonderful smile and say that you're off the hook. My heart melts again and yearns for you. The 9 years that we've been together, and I'm still a nervous wreck.

 I still love you. And I always will. I do care for you. And I'll miss you. I just wish that I was enough for you.